In Which Christopher Is Politically-Incorrect on the Topic of Hamas

Hamas Records recently released a brand-new music video to celebrate the Israeli-Hamas cease fire. Watching it was an enlightening experience. Quaintly titled “Death to Israel!”, it only took a couple viewings for me to realize what the video actually is. The music video isn’t just a Rogers and Hammerstein call for the destruction of Israel, despite catchy lyrics such as “Death to Israel! With blood and fire! Be like the fire of a volcano!” and footage of lots of stuff blowing up and Israelis running helter-skelter for bomb shelters. No. You need to see past all that. You need to lift the burqa and see what’s behind it. The music video is actually a desperate plea by those fun-loving, creative little guys at Hamas. It’s a friendly shout-out to the world. It’s Hamas’ way of saying: “Hey, we’re just normal guys and we want to go to Hollywood. We want a sweet representation deal at ICM! We want the Academy to love us! We wanna be stars!”

With the amount of airplay and attention their little gem is getting, I’m sure the phone lines from southern California to Gaza are already burning up. I bet they’ve already packed their bags and checked Expedia to see which flight they should hijack to Los Angeles. Given the glitterati’s penchant for people who wear keffiyehs, I think it’s clear that anyone from Hamas will be able to write their own ticket in Hollywood.

In fact, I recently had a power lunch down in Burbank with a table-full of people in the know. They all wanted a piece of the Hamas action and had good ideas.

“Project Runway!” said one. “It’s a perfect fit. I can see it now…”

Tim Gunn enters the design room.

“So, how’re you doing, Abdullah?”

“Great, Tim Gunn. I am feeling good. I like your last name very much.”

“Now, talk to me. What am I looking at here?”

“This is beautiful, daring burqa. I drape like so. It has special vest.”

“I really like what you’re doing with the buttons. Very chic. And I love this big red button.”

“Do not touch the button!”

“Okay, Abdullah. You’ve got a lot of sewing to do. Make it work!”

“Paula’s Home Cooking on the Food Network,” said another one of my power lunchers. “It’s a natural. Paula, good food, terrorists–what’s not to love?”

Paula Dean and Momar are cooking in the kitchen.

“Momar, honey, you just take this here meat, wrap it around that chunk of macaroni and cheese and then we’ll pop it in the deep-fryer.”

“It smell very tasty. Is this goat?”

“Not exactly.”

Wherever they end up in Hollywood, I think we’ll be seeing more of these Hamas guys. Their repressed creativity is explosive. Simply explosive! Everyone will want to work with them. Sure, they’re a little dark and edgy at the moment, but that’s just due to being misunderstood. Once they’ve got their production deals, their starlets, a therapist or two, the Middle East will calm down and everything will be just fine…

Er, please don’t cut off my head.


5 thoughts on “In Which Christopher Is Politically-Incorrect on the Topic of Hamas”

  1. My dear Mr. Bunn: I’m sure you misunderstand these poor people. They only want death to Israel because they want their beach-front property. No, wait, Israel’s beach-front property was already ceded to them. They want to “drive Israel into the sea” because they want to engage in a friendly game of beach volley ball–with grenades. That’s it! Or maybe they “need” that particular piece of real estate because their and the rest of their brotherhood’s lands are so minuscule. Given the media’s obvious bias against Israel, we may never know the real truth–until our Hamas friends find out what God’s Name really is.

    1. That’s a good point. Beach-front property is valuable stuff. I imagine the folks in Carmel and Pebble Beach here might get pretty riled up if someone tried to muscle in on them.

  2. You are so funny, christopher–I’m so glad I made you watch project runway; look at all the creative fodder it has provided!

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