Heidi Klum and Self-Publishing

The world was rocked today with news that supermodel Heidi Klum pays her children one dollar each time they drink a healthy smoothie for breakfast. Reaction was swift from all four corners of the globe. Peaceful urbanites in Pakistan burned effigies of George W. Bush, threw their shoes around, and chanted “Death to the American pig infidels!” Abdullah ibn-Mumid, the Grand Mufti of Inshawar, declared a fatwa on all healthy smoothies. The polar bear population in Alaska declined by 0.0013%. Michelle Bachmann, the outspoken congresswoman from Minnesota, announced that she would not be seeking re-election in 2014, prompting the National Organization of Women to issue a press release stating that “there is a God after all, and She is Us (but not you, unless you agree with Us).” Jay Carney, White House Press Secretary, asserted in no uncertain terms, that President Obama had no involvement or knowledge of the matter, or any other matter, if necessary.

One dollar to drink some kind of weird smoothie probably full of grass and tofu and soy milk? I think the Klum kids need to take a lesson from Donald Trump in the art of the deal. There’s no way the Donald would agree to a measly dollar in order to down a tall glass of nasty healthiness. “Ten dollars!” he would bark, smoothing his expensive toupee down with one hand. “Ten dollars or I walk!”

Heidi Klum reminds me of a traditional publishing executive handing out miserly contracts from her Manhattan office to impoverished writers. 6% royalty deals are the one-dollar-a-smoothie equivalent of the publishing world. If her kids are smart, they’ll start making their own breakfasts. They need to do their own breakfast deals. Do their own shopping at Costco. Hire their own cook direct instead of using Klum’s cook. That’s where the real return on investment is. That’s where the real value is. That’s where they can get their hands on some real bacon grease.